to realise

Today I realised how much I am learning to love my Friday afternoon seminar. It is with a rarely occurring tutor---one that asks if we enjoyed the book before we communally rip it apart. (Today, today it was Jane Eyre---and just so you know, my high opinion of it still stands and my heart still skips a beat at the end, at the moment of hands finding hands).

And today I also realised that the train I missed and the infuriation I felt at a friend's clumsy organisation filtered out as soon as I saw her. Because she is that special to me---even if it isn't mutual and doesn't always feel like we are a part of eachother's lives (despite living thirty minutes away from eachother---and that's walking distance). She is an actress---and she sports the very same passion I was talking about the other day---and it sometimes feels like I am not completely sure what face she is wearing---the one of independence or fear or nonchalance. But d'you know what? She is wonderful. And determined. And creative. And because of these things, she is one of the very few people I have ever, ever felt safe enough to run a big, scary writing project past---one that she still remembers and asks about and makes me feel a little silly about not having worked on. I could not have been happier, today, when she told me that she feels like she is happy, creatively---and I see it. I was with her for an hour and a half and I saw its change---I saw the passion, and then the resolve that she has made to fulfil it. She will, my beautiful, beautiful friend, will be an actress. And she should, you know. I realised that as frustrated as I do get at her---at our inability to arrange meetings that actually work, at our too-often-too-sporadic texts, at the fleeting, fleeting presence---I realise that I haven't ever stopped loving her and that time after time after time when these things have gotten in our way, I always cling onto the hope that we haven't yet fallen out of eachother's lives---even if it is a thought I don't properly acknowledge. I hope we never do.