This week I feel a little overwhelmed about the lists of things I am making---the things I want someday to do but put off and off and off. Because when the time comes to actually do them, I have rendered them impossible: put too much hope into the wrong thing or simply doubted it too much. See, right now I am willing the end of term---willing the lines to be written for me and the few, final words listened to. But in a months' time I will wish it back again, wanting to be swept under a tide of prescribed reading and the growth of inspiration. It is an awkward place, this. This not quite knowing what you are doing or quite where you want to go---this not knowing who to ask for advice about the future, or which path you want to make the first tentative steps towards. There is some opportunity at every avenue---you can see that. Sometimes it is a lack of courage that pushes you towards one and pulls you from another---other times it is misplaced certainty where the passion ought to be.
Some days I want to teach---but most days, most days I really want to write (and bake---I have dreams for that one, too). It is getting there that is a little harder---and getting to any of it, I mean. Last week I attempted it---sent off for an opportunity that I tried so desperately to kid myself out of wanting, but I did, you know, I did---and it was to no avail. Maybe that is the reason for my crisis of confidence, this week. But d'you know what? I'll wait. I'll wait until I am thirsty for it again, and the opportunity is back---and then, then I'll keep on trying.
Because that's all anyone can do, isn't it?
yes, I have been in that position many times. I still get in it. I try to make an effort for good when I can and sometimes that is enough to keep that awful tension at bay.
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